I’m Watching is a more informal type of post where I watch through a series and discuss each episode (while also making a lot of really random observations). Currently, I’m watching the Gossip Girl reboot.
So, Gossip Girl is back. I’ve been somewhat of a mega-fan of the series all of my young life, mainly because of the fashion but also because of the absolute insanity of it all. The OG Gossip Girl was certainly the guiltiest of pleasures, but it had a certain campy charm to it that I was really fearful that the new version wouldn’t be able to recapture. The characters, even the mean ones like Blair, still had this likeability to them – indeed, Blair ended up becoming someone every loved to hate so much that the show reformed itself around her character entirely. The show was funny and it was witty, and sure, it was problematic as well, but it was undeniably charming too.
Does the new Gossip Girl, which I’m going to refer to as Gossip Girl 2.0 from now on, have any of the qualities that made the original such a phenomenon? Well, based on this first episode, no. Not at all.
I’m going to make it my mission to watch through each episode of the first season of what I’m tentatively dubbing now an “absolute misfire.” I’ve just seen the whole of the first episode and my gut feeling is that I hate it. And no, that’s not just because I liked the original so much; if this was a show by any other name it would still stink as awfully.
The characters are all deplorable and unlikeable apart from about 3 of them. Some of them – the adults who are supposed to know better – commit actual felonies within the first half an hour of the show. The clothes are pretty meh, the storyline doesn’t inspire much hope, and overall, I’d have to say that if I wasn’t watching the show just to write about it, I’d turn off after this first episode and not watch anything again.
Wow, do you really want to stick around and read the rest of my undeniably bitter thoughts? Well, alright then. We better get started.
This new version of GG picks up nine years after the original series ended in 2012. Dan Humphrey, who was the laughably improbable face behind the original mysterious blogger, packed up shop when his secret identity was outed to the world, and in that time, nobody has been reporting on the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s Elite. What does that mean? Well, apparently, without Gossip Girl to keep the rich kids in line, they’ve all become the exact embodiment of Chuck Bass circa season one – entitled and rude. That’s according to the teachers at least, who hate their lives and their jobs because the kids at Constance Billard just terrorize them every day with no repercussions. Didn’t give Little Johnny Megabucks an A+ on the assignment, even though he didn’t even turn it in? Too bad, his daddy’s on the phone and you’re fired.
Now, look, full disclaimer here, but I used to work as a teacher before I packed it all in to write fancy words for a living (look at me now, mum!) In my time as a teacher I dealt with some tricky parents, sure, but I certainly never encountered a situation where I would’ve been fired if I hadn’t passed someone who didn’t deserve to be passed. Granted, I didn’t work at a super elite and super fictional school in New York, but still – it seems a bit of an improbable situation. The writers might need to tone it down a little bit.
And who are the main groups of super rich kids with nothing but loose ends and fake friends? Well, I’ll introduce them to you.
First of all we’ve got Zoya Lott (Whitney Peak), who I suppose is meant to be the main character, and certainly meant to be our entry into the world of the rich a la Dan/Jenny Humphrey. She’s here in Manhattan because she’s on a scholarship to Constance Billard, part of some elaborate plan to reunite with her long-lost half sister, Julien Calloway. She’s alright, but I hope her character gets to carve out more of a personality for herself throughout the series because she was a bit generic in this first episode.
Speaking of Julien (Jordan Alexander), she’s the absolute worst, to be honest. The other mean girls in her posse are at least up-front about their meanness, but Julien acts like her “relatable” persona is not just a mask. She’s the Serena/Blair of the school in terms of her influence – in fact, she’s actually an influencer. That’s why she’s so famous, and it’s a fame she’s desperate to hold on to.
Julien’s boyfriend is Obie Bergmann IV. He’s the kindness of Nate infused with the social justice of Vanessa. He’s also one of the few characters I like.
The other character I really like is Aki Menzies (Evan Mock). He seems really genuine, and didn’t shun Zoya like most of the other people in Julien’s group of friends did. He didn’t really have much to do in this episode though, so hopefully that changes.
Two other characters that didn’t have much to do in this episode but who, unlike Aki, I don’t like, were Audrey Hope (Emily Alyn Lind) and Max Wolfe (Thomas Doherty). They’re mean and boring and I have nothing more to say about them until probably next episode, so bye for now.
Rounding out the group are the two absolute worst members, Luna La (Zion Moreno) and Monet de Haan (Savannah Lee Smith). The best way I can describe them is like Blair’s bitchy cronies but turned up to eleven. I wish I never had to see them in another episode again, because while Blair and her friends were mean, it was always in a kind of funny way. These girls are mean but there’s no comedy.
The other important characters in the show are the teachers – the most important of which is Kate Keller (Tavi Gevinson). Why is Kate so important? Because she’s Gossip Girl. Huh? What was that? The show did it’s Gossip Girl reveal in the first ten minutes? Yeah. And I hate it, but not for the reason you might think.
The teachers in the school started Gossip Girl as a way to “keep students in line” by essentially just shaming them. Or something like that. It makes no fucking sense. I don’t even really understand how their plan works, because nobody in the original series behaved at all???? They were literally misbehaving every episode of the show and that was the point???? They didn’t care if they were on Gossip Girl and often even actively tried to get on there????????????????? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE?????????!!!!?!?!????!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!?!!!!!!
There’s also the fact that THEY ARE TEACHERS. STALKING AND HARRASSING STUDENTS. AND POSTING IT ONLINE. AND AT ONE POINT THEY EVEN POSTED PHOTOS OF STUDENTS UNDRESSING. AND PUT IT ONLINE. FOR EVERYONE TO SEE. AND THEY ARE TEACHERS. THEY. ARE. TEACHERS.
I.
Hate.
It.
The rest of the episode basically centres on Julien trying to get Zoya indoctrinated into her friendship group, but they hate her because she’s poor. It’s basically Jenny 2.0 except if Blair was her long-lost sister and trying to make her cronies be friends with Jenny.
Of course, it all goes wrong. And of course, Zoya is interested in Obie, Julien’s boyfriend. And of course, Obie realises how awful Julien is and breaks up with her at the end of the episode and gets with Zoya. It’s Serena/Blair/Nate all over again, but worse because I’ve already seen it and there’s no Leighton Meester.
Ugh, what more do you want me to say about this episode? Um. Hmm. The clothes? Yeah, they were okay. There were a few choice looks, like Zoya’s gold dress she borrows from Julien. I also like the shirts Max Wolfe (what a fuckin’ name) wears. And, even though she’s bullied for it, I like how Kate Keller dresses (she even wore something in the first few scenes that was very reminiscent of Serena’s ICONIQUE Grand Central Station outfit from the pilot ep of the good series of Gossip Girl).
Oh, something I should mention which is actually to the reboot’s credit is that it is much more inclusive than the original series. There are so many more actors of colour this time around and I love to see it. I also like that different sexualities are represented, but I’m yet to see if they’re not just going to be fetishized (it felt a little like they were being fetishized in this episode). Also they take ubers or something instead of riding in limos, but to me that’s still pretty elite because “regular” people like me would either just drive, walk, or take public transport. I’m certainly not shilling for an uber.
That’s probably it. I’m tired of this show already. I wouldn’t call it Gossip Girl, I’d call it Gossip Girl adjacent. I hope the next episode is better than this one.
Random Observations
- Is Monet just having a glass of water for breakfast? And why is she making her servants stand around waiting for her? Instantly unlikeable.
- Does Julien’s dad work for Billie Eilish or something? I heard the name but wasn’t paying a lot of attention.
- Even sitting on the MET steps doesn’t make these characters feel like they’re in Gossip Girl. They’re all posers!
- I wonder if Nate is still the mayor of New York lmao. Remember how that happened?
- I wonder if Blair still has her clothing company.
- I wonder what the fuck Serena is doing… probably nothing.
- Is it just me or do you miss the limos?
- I also miss Dorota so much. BRING BACK DOROTA!
- The “party” that they go to is the most boring thing ever. Where is the lavishness? I NEED LAVISHNESS IN MY GOSSIP GIRL!
More like this: I Ranked All Of Serena Van Der Woodsen’s Outfits So You Don’t Have To – Season 1 Edition
